The Best Movie Ever Made Featuring a Penis Dragon Monster - Kamillions (1990)
I think we found it, kids. The worst movie of all time. A masterpiece that will enter the annals of history as one of the most baffling pieces of cinema of all time: Kamilions (1990). Shoutout to Noodle on YouTube for showing me the brilliance of this in one of his videos - this one’s for you.
What the hell is a Kamillion?
All in good time, my friend.
But first, a little background info.
Kamillions, also distributed in Europe as The Wingates, was the brainchild of storywriter Robert Hsi, writer Harry S. Robins, and writer/director Mikel B. Anderson. What these fellas had in mind was a comedy/horror blend in the spirit of Gremlins and Beetlejuice, a more-silly-than-scary romp with campy special effects, high energy, etc.
However, the final film suffered from what I generously call artistic differences. The film’s producer, Teresa Woo, also insisted on editing the footage despite her lack of knowledge of English or the intended genre. She had spent most of her career working on Japanese action/adventure films - so she edited Kamillions like an action film.
The result is a tonally dissonant mess of cheesy camp-horror antics with out of place, high-stakes tension. It’s truly a sight to behold.
What’s it about?
Let’s start with the base cast of characters. We’ve got:
Dr. Nathan Wingate, scientist (I guess), husband, and father
Nancy Wingate, his wife and mother of:
Linda Wingate, also called Lindy, daughter of Nathan and Nancy
Sam Wingate, son of Nathan and Nancy
Aunt Angie, the physical embodiment of the word “bitchy” - like Cruella De Vil without the things that make her an appealing character
Count Desmon, specifically the count of Liechtenstein, called a cousin by everyone, though his actual relation to the family is fuzzy
Reverend Lawrence Newman, also known as Larry, Nathan’s college roommate, former male escort
Emma, the Wingate family’s maid
Handyman Lloyd, which is pretty self-explanatory
We begin with Nathan in his basement on his birthday, spouting technobabble and doing “science” when he suddenly opens a tear in reality to a new dimension. He’s sucked into the portal, and out fly two alien creatures from the blue world within. Oh, it’s also important to note that the machine operating the dimension door only has enough coolant for four hours, after which it will create an explosion with a “600 megaton blast radius” (thanks, Sam, for that bit of nonsense).
One of the creatures knocks out (or kills - it’s pretty unclear) and shapeshifts into cousin Desmon with the intention of wreaking havoc on the family. The other takes the form of a model in a poster in Sam’s closet, a woman known only as Jasmine. Within moments of meeting him, Jasmine proclaims herself to be Sam’s boyfriend and only serves to be a nuisance until she finally explains the situation to Sam and his friend.
Turns out, Jasmine followed another of her kind through the door and has to find him and bring him home before the coolant runs out and Nathan dies in the blue world. While Jasmine is expositing, however, Desmon makes short work of the houseguests.
For instance, Handyman Lloyd is electrocuted as he works on the house’s wiring. When Rev. Larry and Angie try to get it on in an upstairs bedroom, he shapeshifts Larry’s penis into a dragon-serpent-monster, which attacks and kills Larry. Annoyed by her rudeness, he turns Angie into a bug that retains her head, tries to squish her, and eventually gets Nancy to douse her in bug spray. He drowns and stuffs Sam’s friend into a tiny fishbowl. He shoves a phone receiver down Lindy’s throat because apparently she spends too much time chatting with friends. It’s a bloodbath in there.
Sounds like it’ll be a pretty lame birthday party.
You’d think so, wouldn’t you?
Eventually, Lindy hears a recording in which her father refers to the shapeshifting aliens as “chameleons,” connects the dots, and frantically writes to her brother that Desmon is the titular “Kamillion.” A short confrontation that doesn’t really stick the landing reveals that the Jasmine-alien is actually the Desmon-alien’s babysitter, and Desmon is really no older than ten.
Jasmine forces Desmon back through the portal, makes out with Sam for way too long, and returns to her world, and Nathan is spat back out shortly after.
But - oh no! The coolant is nearly empty, and there isn’t time to get more or escape the house. After a truly harrowing moment where the audience is led to believe they’re about to see the Wingates’ entire neighborhood explode, the machine fizzles out and everyone in the house is inexplicably brought back to life. The movie ends with Nathan’s birthday party, now filled with people, and a “cliffhanger” ending involving the cake topper.
The end!
I have no idea how to feel.
Honestly, absolutely nothing I say could prepare you for this monstrosity of a film. The summary doesn’t do it justice in the least.
Ultimately, not a second of this movie is scary. Its practical effects are always goofy, mostly entertaining, and feels like the perfect candidate for Rifftrax/MST3K. The acting is so atrocious that it’s almost charming, but I found myself at a loss for how a film could curate so many horrific performers. Everyone spoke like they thought they were in a community theater production of A Streetcar Named Desire. Go in for the outlandish, chaotic audacity that this film has to exist, and stay for the giant trouser snake. 10/10, would watch drunk with friends.